Why does it feel like my heart is already breaking? I want to get away but I want to pull her nearer than possible. When I nurse I feel the most trapped, too needed for my comfort. So needed. It seems like that should make me feel good but instead it scares me. With trembling I walk into each moment, fear and trembling. 

I am needed but I can never be enough.

Why did we do this again? Because it did seem right, and more than that, good. Because God made us parents; sovereign as He is He could prevent it, but He did not. Instead He formed a small small human inside me, with a spirit and a will, with a story He already knows. He went before me and showed me how to live a life of sacrifice, and He was broken and heartbroken from love lived right out to death. 

My anxiety now has less to do with raising our child “right,” and more to do with being needed and responsible for so many years. It has to do with me and my selfishness, my desire for a certain kind of freedom and independence. God has seen those tendencies and seen fit to tether me. But He well knows I’m not meant to meet all needs; I’m meant to serve as a guide, a wayfarer myself, a sign post toward our Hope and Source. 

I will not save this little one. I can’t redeem or justify. I’m a steward of another life, and my instruction comes day by day, from abiding in Christ, who is the Way. My heart will break for the rest of my life, I imagine. Break from sadness, overwhelm, fear, exhaustion, from feeling stuck, over my own failure and sin — but also from the beauty of her face, the sweetness of her tiny fingers, her laugh, God’s character revealed through her, the joy and light of her presence, all I learn from her, the new family dynamic, the moments when she triumphs, all the ways we will see God provide. 

As the sun rises today while I feed my baby, I begin to settle again into some kind of peace with the way things are – hopefully a little more than yesterday. But the Holy Sprit isn’t finished with me and will continue forming me into one who looks more like Christ. I pray I receive and don’t miss all the moments where I might see God working today and all the days to come. Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner.