[a reflection on my experience with cancer and the common term “fighting cancer” I heard often]

I never really felt like I was fighting. Swimming upstream, maybe. Muddling my way through a dark tunnel. Fighting is quick, decisive, active. These months have been slow movements, waiting for what would happen to me next. I fought for agency but I don’t think I fought anything else. I walked a path without seeing it, without full understanding or peace. Except for rare moments, when God gave me grace to recall His sweetness and love. A fighting love.

The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still [some versions say “silent”]. (Exodus 14:14)

He was fighting for me all that time. Those endless days when I had no strength, no ability but to be still.

This battle may have ended, but I must still be still.

In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and trust shall be your strength. (Isaiah 30:15)