I said a while ago that I want to write about God’s greatness and goodness. Then I wrote two posts lamenting my own experiences. I am realizing again and again one very important thing.

My body needs healing, but my heart has always needed it. As long as I’m alive, my heart will need mending and restoring. You don’t stop having issues with sin when you become gravely ill. In case you were wondering.

At first, I was so grateful for every little thing. But then I began to wonder who that person was and did I make her up? Because I started finding it very easy to be discontent with my circumstances. And that generally led to ungratefulness, which diminished joy. Which all went together with not seeking God.

So really, I’m not that different from who I was before cancer. I still am selfish. I still focus inward too much. I still fear, I’m still prideful, I still mis-prioritize my loves. I still deny God His lordship so often in my daily life. I still don’t consider His will, His calling for my every day. I still tend to think this day is mine, rather than a gift given, to be given back.

These ailments to me are becoming far more serious, and their cure far more desirable, than anything to do with leukemia. I want to be cured from my physical illness – oh, I can’t express how much I want it. And still, this other sort of illness seems very grave indeed. I want this sort of thing to be the business of my heart, to be what occupies my mind, more than my physical healing.

And I truly believe that the way for these priorities to be sorted is to fall on my face before God every day, to gaze upon Him and His beauty, to become enamored of Him. Because if He is my first love, I think things in my heart won’t help but shift to make room for Him.

One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in His temple…You have said, “Seek my face.” My heart says to you, “Your face, Lord, do I seek.” Hide not your face from me. [Psalm 27:4, 8]

Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.” [Luke 10:38-42]

He is good, and deserving of all praise, and all my devotion.

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer. [Psalm 19:14]