I am learning in a new way how much I am not in control. I have been stuck in this hospital room for a week and have no idea when I will be able to leave. We are waiting for my neutrophil count to get to a certain point. Neutrophils reflect the strength of the immune system, and the doctors want mine stronger before I go home – possibly because they don’t know what caused the fever that brought me in here and would rather ensure I’m healthier before I go out into the elements.

I hate being here. I am sick of walking around the wing, in either direction. I’ll walk another mile today but it’s all the same. This morning I learned my neutrophil count actually dropped, so I’m further away from the goal than I was yesterday. Yesterday, everyone thought I’d probably leave today. Each day is the same in that way – guessing when it’ll be over, uncertainty the whole time.

I miss my house. I miss my bed, even though it doesn’t have cool buttons that make you sit up. I miss privacy. I miss the quiet. I miss my plants and my blankets and my walls. I miss fresh air and walking up stairs. I miss whatever isn’t hospital food.

I was crying this morning about this, about staying here another day when I so expected to leave. But then the nurse came in so I took a break. Then I cried more, but then the custodian came in to clean so I started writing and stopped crying. Maybe now I can cry in peace.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life. [Prov. 13:12]

I didn’t expect that simply being in the hospital would be such a trial in itself. It wears on you. I didn’t expect that having to stay longer would be such a disappointment as to bring me to tears. God is stretching my heart in a new way, and I just don’t like it. I want what I want, and I’m having such a hard time accepting these circumstances.

I’m waiting for something I can’t control. I’m angry about that. I don’t know when I’ll stop being angry, but reading this helps a little:

I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord! [Ps 27:13-14]

I’ve been reading this daily, waiting for my heart to take courage, waiting for my heart to wait.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but Paul found contentment in all circumstances. I don’t have anything else to do today, so I suppose I’ll work on this daunting goal.

Lord, have mercy. Christ, have mercy. Lord, have mercy.