It’s been two weeks and a day since I learned something very new and important about myself: I have cancer. It’s leukemia, and it’s treatable. It’s not a guarantee. Nothing is guaranteed.
Over those weeks, so much has happened, and so many feelings and realizations I have yet to document, even to myself. For now, I want to express something God gave me yesterday morning as I was trying to stay still in bed, lying next to my husband in the early morning. The night before, we read together from Job 40-42, where God at last answers Job’s laments with the only answer that really matters: I AM God.
It was a lot to take in as hubs read aloud, yet comforting and humbling. This now brings to mind one of my favourite lines in all of literature, from C.S. Lewis’s Til We Have Faces:
I know now, Lord, why you utter no answer. You are yourself the answer. What other answer would suffice?
Having slept on that truth from Scripture, particularly the very end,
Then Job answered the Lord and said, “I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted. ‘Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?’ Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know. ‘Hear, and I will speak; I will question you, and you make it known to me.’ I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you; therefore I despise myself, and repent in dust and ashes.”
I awoke with a jumble of contemplations, questions, and prayers. And the more I talked with God, the heavier I sensed His presence on me, like one laying a warm, steady hand on my back that was also a poultice for anxiety and despair.
And here is what came out of the depths of my heart:
who am i to deserve the beauty of the stars?
the adoring affection of my husband’s eyes.
the refuge of sleep.
the glory of colours.
the gift of words.
letters from friends.
the comfort of my mother.
the deep friendship of my sister.
the capacity of my legs.
the wonder of air plants.
of all plants.
the squishiness of puppy faces.
the smile of a favourite baby.
my whole family intact, and together right now in one house.
appliances that function.
the sweet chill of a popsicle.
feeling my husband’s feet when mine are cold.
the glimpses of my dad that show through sometimes.
a fire in the hearth every morning.
an afternoon of snow.
that nausea can end.
the freedom of my mind.
who am I to receive? i am free. i am undeserving of freedom, yet i am free. because the Lord is my hope, my soul will live forever and i have nothing to fear regarding separation from Him.
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Then I wept, such profound sobs of acknowledgement of God’s greatness as I’ve not experienced in years. I have had a clear purpose for my daily life and longterm ideas before, but now, it’s focused even more narrowly. So all I could muster to speak after this visitation was, “I’m going to tell people how good You are.”
.
God is too much for me to handle.
And He is always enough.
.
.
More updates on specifics regarding my condition are available on caringbridge.org, if you search under my name. Here, I hope to simply do more of the same – to write about how God is our one true home. That’s all I care about and it’s all that matters.
too much. <3
You have so much beauty to write, and it is incredible to read. I love your blog. 🙂 Love you.
This is beyond beautiful. I am at my desk at work with tears slowly rolling down my face. I love you so much. Thank you for preaching the Gospel and for doing so, so beautifully. I pray for continued peace and understanding, healing and happiness. All my love.
Ahhhh, I am soaking in the profoundness of your experience and understanding what you mean when you say the “focus is more narrow”. You have to keep writing because we need to hear and read and feel and see and understand all the presence of God in the dark places, in the valley, in the shadow and HE IS STILL WITH US, Always! Love Love Love
Emily, This journey that you are on is being used by God to help others. It is humbling to read your words and see how God is holding you up. You and your family are in our constant prayers.
You are an instrument through your words…amazing!
Love you Em!
Emily, this post was both beautiful and heartbreaking. I pray that the Holy Spirit continues to fill you with resilience, peace, and comfort. What great joy we can take in knowing that God has the world and all our circumstances in His hands. We have nothing to fear being children of God. When I read this post, my first thought was the verse in John where Jesus speaks of overcoming this world. I pray it is a blessing to you.
John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
Love, Whtney
Even as a young teen you had a depth of understanding and wisdom beyond your years. Praying for healing and continued blessings!
Emily, I am a friend of your Moms and work with her. Your writing is beautiful and so heartfelt. I want you to know that we are praying for you and your family. Keep leaning on God and he will help you through this. Love and Prayers to you.
I wish I could think like that, feel like that, write like that. All my life I have searched for God and think I am the unlucky one that will never know him. Then I read this beautiful piece of Art you have written and understand that I too am deserving!!! Thank you for the clarity of waking up each morning and the need to be more grateful. I will pray for healing in your journey ahead!!
God bless you
Stacey Reiter
Emily, this post is beautifully written and felt. It has mysteriously and majestically touched deep and tender places in my heart. It’s hard to know what to offer you from so far away…our prayers, our love…today, I’m thanking God for His presence. Know that we are begging Him for healing and strength. Love to you and Andy.
I will be keeping you in prayer I didn’t realize you were going through this… I love your blog thank you for sharing, GOD is GOOD and faithful no matter what happens.
Thank you for sharing your story, Emily. I so appreciate how you have written about this trying time. Like your many loved ones, I am praying for you and am grateful I got to cross paths with you even for a short time. Hope they cross again soon God willing and in the meantime you are in my thoughts and prayers.
With love,
Manju
This has penetrated me to the core and has blessed me so much. Thank you.