Author Archives: emily

About emily

I love home in all the ways. I love being content and still pushing ahead to more. I love fresh air and how it makes me realize I'm so small in this great, created universe.

five minute fridays … doubt

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The thing I first feel when I consider doubt is fear. Fear results for me when I doubt the big things. And sometimes I wonder if it causes the doubt too…

It’s scary to start questioning whether God is there, or whether anyone likes me, or whether my husband really cares, or whether I’ll ever become who I hope I’ll be.

Is it wrong to doubt?

For me, in these cases, it might be. Because it seems to come from a fear that I chose the wrong thing, or that I suck.

But is it wrong to wonder? Wonder comes from a curiosity, a patient inquisitiveness that doesn’t have too much riding on the answer.

When a sense of doubt enters my mind, my instant reaction is to change the subject, because it feels too big. And I’m afraid of the possibility that what I thought was true actually isn’t. But when I reframe it and just consider small possibilities, and just wonder, it’s not so big. And even with the biggest question of God’s existence, when I wonder the little things, the smaller pieces of that possibility, I realize that until reality stops being what it is and there’s absolutely no beauty in the world, I can’t get away from the truth that He is real.

It’s fine to ask, I think, and to wonder. But to allow doubt to convince us to throw away what we previously believed wholeheartedly – I think this is a grave error. That’s not to say we mustn’t struggle. But we must be patient.

I don’t know. Maybe all I’m saying is that we should pray. Maybe that’s all I should ever say.

 

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

– James 1:5-8

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Five-minute Friday is the work of Lisa-Jo Baker and now Kate Motaung. It has become a group of bloggers who write on a topic for only five minutes and then share! For more information, go here. 

 

the walk … love overlooked

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Last year I worked in downtown San Francisco. I sometimes walked at lunch time, and noted my observations, which you can read here and here. I wrote this one around the same time but never published it. So, lest I forget to note this special walk, here it is.

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Our building, the Metreon, is next to a vast-ish park area which I have never explored. Until today. I wanted to see all it contained. I found a carousel and carried on. I walked up some steps and discovered a hidden-away playground area. Lots of concrete surrounding some grass. There is a bit of a concrete wall around the grass area, but that wall is not even; it goes up and down like sine and cosine, which makes it super fun to walk along. I appreciate that detail for the children. … and me. Ahem.

Lots of mommies and little ones, and nannies I’m sure. There are slides and things upon which to climb. Around the edge of this whole area are various little shops and things, bowling, an ice-skating place, etc. It’s not an oasis, per se, but I like that it’s hiding away and when you look up you see sky scraping pillars and more sky than you remembered, and when you look around you see grass and kids.

This part of Yerba Buena, as it’s called, is across the street from the Metreon. It extends to the Metreon block as well, and these blocks are connected by a bridge over Howard Street. I walked to the middle of the bridge and took a 360 panorama. If you must know, I took three panoramas because I couldn’t fit it all into one for some reason, as dictated by my phone.

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The other side of Yerba Buena is more garden-y. So many flowers, a terrace, a fountain/waterfall, a large grassy area where they hold events and where hundreds sit and lounge and play futbol and eat and some even live there, I expect. I was looking at a brilliantly colourful hedge of flowers, and as I was taking a photograph, a hummingbird arrived. I don’t think I’ve ever been so close to one. I was thrilled.

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I sat by the fountain for a while and noticed how quiet things seemed there. I will go back to sit and read another day.

Then I crossed the street and went to visit St. Patrick’s Catholic Church on Mission. A number of individuals were sitting in the sanctuary, dotted around and prayerful. Some lit candles. Some whispered to others. I sat in the back so I could observe it all easily. I wanted to take in the silence and the appearance of things.

Little church among the skyscrapers.

Little church among the skyscrapers.

So many statues and icons. The walls and whatever materials were used for them were plainer than some cathedrals and similar churches. Standard red carpet down the middle. So many people came in and out as I sat there, probably for five minutes that felt eternal. And I found myself needing to know, why are people here? What are they doing and wanting? Why did you choose to come to this church at 3:00 and where are you going after this? What are you looking for?

I went out a side door and took the long way back to the office. When I sat down at my desk, the next door restaurant was playing a song with the line ‘somebody to love.’  And I thought, They are looking for the wrong somebody. He’s already loving them and they don’t get it. They don’t know. They pass by Him like I’ve passed by the hidden playground and gardens. Like how the unassuming church sits seemingly overshadowed by structures for profit. We all have done this. We all miss hummingbird glory and fountain peace. God gives us His glory and peace, and we look for someone else to love.

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Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy, Lord have mercy.

to the next bend of the journey

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Every couple of weeks I’m hoping to give updates about our home adventures. I have a tendency to want to end my posts with a wrap-up message or conclusion, but not everything comes together that neatly in life, so why should it here? I’m not really doing this to provide you with sermons every few days. Let’s be real.

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The visits are calming down. The frantic things are fading and now we’re gearing up for bigger, long-term things. We have a couple of weekend trips planned, but beyond that, nothing.

Nothing, except home repairs, church investment, relational growth, marriage perpetuation, another term of full-time classes, and I might keep doing laundry. We’ll see.

Friend. Sometimes things seem pretty much laid out for the next while, and you think you can see what’s coming, and it looks mundane but also like a lot to handle.

That’s where we are. God’s grace has shown itself this past week in our marriage. A few days ago, a huge storm blew a tree onto our house, and that threw off our groove for some reason. Hubs was in the middle of 53 papers (or 3? same thing?) and having no internet and no light became stressful for me, even though I wasn’t directly impacted. At that point, maybe both of us just realized how crazy life can be and how much we need each other’s help. The next day we teamed up to bring our home back to livable conditions – mowed the grass, cleaned the floor, washed every dish, etc. And now we’re in the final push of papers before a little break between terms. We’ve been able to be light-hearted, which is huge because I’m editing and critiquing my husband’s writing like, every day. It’s like we can see that space just ahead where we can breathe, and we’re pressing on together for it.

And we’re tired. And aside from classes, the break will still have all the other normal things.

I’ve been reading so many resources about rhythms and habits, doing a bunch of e-courses and perusing blogs and downloading people’s advice into my brain. I do feel like we are making it through this term much more sanely (or maybe I’m talking about just me) than last fall, when we were going through so much more and living in San Francisco. That time around, we got to the holidays and I felt lonely and drained and bitter. So this is going better.

All the same, I have decided to work on some small habits that will grow into firmer, bigger ones, and give us a flow to life. And give me discipline. Is that something you’re given? Because my birthday’s coming up.

Here are some of those rhythms (I like that term better):

  • Rise early, enough to read Scripture, pray, eat breakfast, and look like an adult person.
  • Therefore, go to bed early, enough to get no fewer than 7.5 hours of sleep.
  • Exercise. Get strong, boost that immunity/stamina, and be a little lighter on my feet.
  • De-clutter. I’m going to start that “magic of tidying” stuff!

I can think of so much more I want to do! I want to write more too. So many things. But graduate school taught me that small wins create momentum for greater success down the road. And I definitely want to move down the road. Because we’re on a journey, you and I, and I need to make progress.

This might be actually a great analogy for me, because on walks and hikes, I am always the one who randomly sees a “special” leaf or aweome rock and MUST stop to inspect thoroughly. Maybe bring it with me, who knows. And if there’s a brilliant cloud, I need to stop and just stare until it dissipates. Maybe backtrack to find that colorful flower I just did a double-take for. I like taking it all in. I like studying something, really understanding it, mulling it over.

It’s great to do that in life. It’s great to ponder your current spot. Obviously I think that.

But also it’s time for me to use the feet and move along. It’s time to set my sights on the next summit. How will I get there? Probably by focusing on getting to the saddle. I’ll get to the saddle by focusing on this next bend in the trail. The next bend.

The next bend, these small rhythms, will take me, one day, to the culmination of so many goals.

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I’m so grateful for this momentum right now, even in the midst of the mundane, tired stuff we encounter predictably. I don’t really know what I’m doing.

And you, dear ones? Where are your rhythms taking you?