Author Archives: emily

About emily

I love home in all the ways. I love being content and still pushing ahead to more. I love fresh air and how it makes me realize I'm so small in this great, created universe.

in which there is one source of help

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If it had not been the Lord who was on our side – let Israel now say – if it had not been the Lord who was on our side when people rose up against us, then they would have swallowed us up alive, when their anger was kindled against us; then the flood would have swept us away, the torrent would have gone over us; then over us would have gone the raging waters.

Blessed be the Lord, who has not given us as prey to their teeth! We have escaped like a bird from the snare of the fowlers; the snare is broken, and we have escaped! 

Our help is in the name of the Lord, who made heaven and earth.        [Psalm 124]

I read this yesterday and it changed me somehow, some little bit. I don’t even really know what about it impressed itself upon my heart, except that it’s true.

If not for God, I would be any number of things … overwhelmed, trapped, dead, despairing. May my heart never cease to acknowledge that any good thing is from the Lord. That fear, sin, pride, self-obsession would otherwise swallow me. I’m not in danger from any people these days. My enemy isn’t even cancer. “…I do not wrestle against flesh and blood…”¹ but against my own folly, my focus on myself, my discontent, and more.

But He has made a way of escape, and it’s Himself. I’m pleading with my heart to recall His mercies, this Creator, this Redeemer of mine. He is on my side, but it’s not me who did the choosing. He has rescued me and rescues me every day. His goodness is unending. Let us cling to Him.

Blessed be the Lord.

 

¹ Ephesians 6:12

how to be … healed

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I said a while ago that I want to write about God’s greatness and goodness. Then I wrote two posts lamenting my own experiences. I am realizing again and again one very important thing.

My body needs healing, but my heart has always needed it. As long as I’m alive, my heart will need mending and restoring. You don’t stop having issues with sin when you become gravely ill. In case you were wondering.

At first, I was so grateful for every little thing. But then I began to wonder who that person was and did I make her up? Because I started finding it very easy to be discontent with my circumstances. And that generally led to ungratefulness, which diminished joy. Which all went together with not seeking God.

So really, I’m not that different from who I was before cancer. I still am selfish. I still focus inward too much. I still fear, I’m still prideful, I still mis-prioritize my loves. I still deny God His lordship so often in my daily life. I still don’t consider His will, His calling for my every day. I still tend to think this day is mine, rather than a gift given, to be given back.

These ailments to me are becoming far more serious, and their cure far more desirable, than anything to do with leukemia. I want to be cured from my physical illness – oh, I can’t express how much I want it. And still, this other sort of illness seems very grave indeed. I want this sort of thing to be the business of my heart, to be what occupies my mind, more than my physical healing.

And I truly believe that the way for these priorities to be sorted is to fall on my face before God every day, to gaze upon Him and His beauty, to become enamored of Him. Because if He is my first love, I think things in my heart won’t help but shift to make room for Him.

One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in His temple…You have said, “Seek my face.” My heart says to you, “Your face, Lord, do I seek.” Hide not your face from me. [Psalm 27:4, 8]

Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.” [Luke 10:38-42]

He is good, and deserving of all praise, and all my devotion.

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer. [Psalm 19:14]

 

 

on the heart and waiting

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I am learning in a new way how much I am not in control. I have been stuck in this hospital room for a week and have no idea when I will be able to leave. We are waiting for my neutrophil count to get to a certain point. Neutrophils reflect the strength of the immune system, and the doctors want mine stronger before I go home – possibly because they don’t know what caused the fever that brought me in here and would rather ensure I’m healthier before I go out into the elements.

I hate being here. I am sick of walking around the wing, in either direction. I’ll walk another mile today but it’s all the same. This morning I learned my neutrophil count actually dropped, so I’m further away from the goal than I was yesterday. Yesterday, everyone thought I’d probably leave today. Each day is the same in that way – guessing when it’ll be over, uncertainty the whole time.

I miss my house. I miss my bed, even though it doesn’t have cool buttons that make you sit up. I miss privacy. I miss the quiet. I miss my plants and my blankets and my walls. I miss fresh air and walking up stairs. I miss whatever isn’t hospital food.

I was crying this morning about this, about staying here another day when I so expected to leave. But then the nurse came in so I took a break. Then I cried more, but then the custodian came in to clean so I started writing and stopped crying. Maybe now I can cry in peace.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life. [Prov. 13:12]

I didn’t expect that simply being in the hospital would be such a trial in itself. It wears on you. I didn’t expect that having to stay longer would be such a disappointment as to bring me to tears. God is stretching my heart in a new way, and I just don’t like it. I want what I want, and I’m having such a hard time accepting these circumstances.

I’m waiting for something I can’t control. I’m angry about that. I don’t know when I’ll stop being angry, but reading this helps a little:

I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord! [Ps 27:13-14]

I’ve been reading this daily, waiting for my heart to take courage, waiting for my heart to wait.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but Paul found contentment in all circumstances. I don’t have anything else to do today, so I suppose I’ll work on this daunting goal.

Lord, have mercy. Christ, have mercy. Lord, have mercy.